Karl Crashes Compaq's New Era <OR>
A Compaq Disaster

Compaq was announcing their "New Era" and I snagged an invite. The anticipation was intense.

Once the show started, the boredom became intense. Marketing is one thing, but we were drenched in hyperbole.

I turned to the guy sitting to my right and asked, "Are all these presentations this awful?"

He looked shocked. "You don't like dancing business managers badly lip-synching to Corporate Rock? You don't believe the boss singing 'Give me a computer I can rely on' in a bad Elvis imitation?"

"I particularly like the computer support staff singing 'I Can Help You' to the tune of Handel's Hallelujah Chorus."

He dug into his pocket. "You're starting to get overwhelmed. Use these," he said, handing me some earplugs.

I plugged them in as a white clerk sang in a Ray Charles voice to tiny unisex dancers cavorting inside the CPU. They were supposed to be electrons whirling about inside the computer, but all I could bring to mind was Funniest Home Videos.

After it mercifully stopped, my new friend said, "Come with me if you want to see the real show. A press Q&A has been set up."

An effusive Compaq vp was holding forth as we entered. "We told our 1200 engineers to design a less expensive computer. They said they would have before, but nobody asked them."

I turned to my friend. "Nobody noticed that Compaq was more expensive than even IBM?

"Let's play good cop, bad cop," he said. "You raise all the cain you want; they can't touch you. Have some fun for the rest of us."

The blather continued. "Our 1200 engineers are proud of these new systems, and the advances they bring to our portables."

"Does that mean they have an Enhanced Parallel Port for higher speed network and peripheral connections?" I asked.

"Ahh, no, our engineers didn't add that."

"Perhaps they should talk to the Zenith engineers; they added that last year. Did your engineers integrate the Ethernet and Token Ring single chip controller directly on the motherboard?" I asked.

"Our surveys showed networking wasn't that important."

"Don't tell that to your engineers making SystemPros for file servers. They seem to think networking IS important."

"Our customers didn't want bundled things that cost extra."

"Is that why you bundle your QVision video board and Windows 3.1?"

The vp turned and whispered something to three large "associates" before asking me, "Do you have valid press credentials?"

As the three hustled me away, I yelled, "You used to lead the market and now you're trying to catch up to Dell. Perhaps you should have your 1200 engineers call me."

As I lie on the hall floor, two computer dealers came up. "You guys should be happy. The vp says Compaq's market share will double."

They looked at me with long faces. "We'll have to sell twice as many to make the same money. They cut our discount in half. End-users that used to get 25-28% discounts will get maybe 12-14% now."

"That explains how they can afford those 1200 engineers," I said.

James: Truth is the casualty at most computer product announcements. Compaq must have done something to aggravate me back in the summer of 92. They are still, in my opinions, one of the worst vendors for making life tough on small dealers and consultants, but that's not funny. The fact that companies spend more money than my house to pay dancers in unitards with lightening bolts isn't funny, either, but is also true. Oh well.