ACRONYMAPHOBIA
 James E. Gaskin

Overloaded systems do strange things, which is why protection is designed in from the beginning. When you overload an electrical circuit, the breaker protects the components. Networks often have redundant pathways to continue service even after one line goes down. The human brain is, unfortunately, not fault tolerant.

The following is a real case of "computer burnout" gone far beyond the norm. Read it and weep.

The subject, Alan R. Potts, jumped at the sound of his alarm clock. "How did you sleep, dear?" asked his wife Alice.

"Never Could Rest," replied Alan. "All Tossing and Turning. Sleep Never Arrived."

"Dear, you're talking weird. What's the matter?"

"Migod, Acronyms Proliferate. Can't Alter Delivery, Can't Alter Mindset. It's Bloody Malicious. I've Been Mindwiped."

"We'd better get you to the psychiatrist."

"Cursed Speech Mangles All, Confound and Drat. Always Respected Psychiatrists, Unless Now I'm Xenophobic."

"Really, Alan, psychiatrists are at least partly human."

Doctor Paul Albert Dimple had never seen a case like this. "The only way you can speak is in words spelling out common computer acronyms? This is incredible. What a paper this will make!"

"Help Doc, Locate a Cure."

"I'll try, Mr. Potts. When did this start?"

"After Night Slumbers Ill. I'm Beat Mentally."

"Do you have a stressful job?"

"Major Trouble Brewing Friday. Major Beta Product Show. Expensive Port Runs On Machine, It Sails Onward, or We're All Nobodies."

"So there is stress in your job," asked the Doctor.

"Can This Stop?"

"I think so, I just need to find a way to break this speech pattern. Once you break loose, you should be fine."

"Outstanding, Simple, Ingenious. It's Simply Overwhelming. Start Now, All Delays Stopped."

"Repeat after me: The rain in Spain..."

"Rain Over Madrid."

"Not quite, Alan. The quick brown fox..."

"Fox, Swift and Keen."

"If a woodchuck could chuck wood..."

"Woodchucks Are Nowhere. Doctor, Time's Expensive."

The good Doctor had no more cliches. He was afraid Alan was doomed to this computer acronym hell forever. He threw in the towel.

"To Coin a Phrase, I'm Perplexed."

"What, Doctor?"

"I've Simply Done Nothing. It's Terribly Troubling."

Alan jumped off the couch. "Thanks, Doc, I feel great!" He resumed his normal life, never to be troubled by this strange affliction again.

Acronymaphobia is sweeping the country. The only way to stop is to have someone else start. Beware. Safe sex is no longer enough. We must now practice safe conversations.