Computers Must Face South
James E. Gaskin

As a consultant, I must learn every new technical trick possible to help my clients. Books, classes, and seminars have helped in the past, but lately my success has come from more natural methods.

Feng Shui (pronounced fung shway) translates to "wind and water" and works to put modern man in harmony with natural order and geographic placement Chinese architects design buildings to attract ch'i (positive life energy), and discourage sha (negative life energy).

I discovered the power of Feng Shui quite by accident. While working on a balky NetWare file server, I turned the system around so I could check the polarity lights on the Ethernet network adapter. Suddenly the system starting working. Once we verified all was well, I returned the server to its original position. This caused the network to crash once more. The computer room map showed the server faced north, which funnels sha into the home or object. Turning the server to the south encouraged ch'i and solved the problem quicker than a bug patch.

Intrigued, I searched for Feng Shui information on the Internet. I found many Web pages listing the legendary services of the Wind and Water Center of Cleveland. Unfortunately, their Web server was down, so I caught the next flight out.

Trudging through the Cleveland snowdrifts, I found the Wind and Water Center and introduced myself to Shek Yee, master of Feng Shui. "I can only teach honest men," said Yee. "Can you make Windows 95 run a full day without crashing?"

"No mortal can guarantee that," I answered. Yee nodded, satisfied, and welcomed me.

The road was long and winding, but my journey is complete. I am now the first CNEFS (Certified NetWare Engineer of Feng Shui). Details may be found in my new book, "Feng Shui: Gateway to Internet Harmony" available April 1.

As a CNEFS, I am called for the most difficult system problems. Each situation was resolved by following Feng Shui guidelines.

My first case after certification concerned a stubborn database rollback error. Placing a biomagnetic toroid core on the database server helped lower the error rate. I then noticed that any person that came physically near the system introduced more errors. Each computer operator donned a crystal catalyst bead necklace to maintain the strength of their own aura against that of the computer. The errors stopped completely. Wearing the crystal catalyst bead necklace also increased operator typing speed 20%-25%.

Many times, computers aren't the problem. Network wiring must be laid in a north-south direction. Running cable bundles from the south side of a wiring room catches negative sha like an antenna catches radio signals.

My latest project has been the ultimate example of computer Feng Shui. EDS, Andersen Consulting, and IBM all asked me to teach them my methods. None could solve the problems, including IBM's New Orleans team with their voodoo dolls and chants.

The Ba-Gua is the eight-sided diagram describing the proper room locations for wealth, fame, marriage, family, health, children, career, benefactors, and knowledge. The data center for a multi-national conglomerate was a major Ba-Gua mess.

None of the servers worked together, even though the network was error free. Quickly I placed the accounting servers in the wealth corner. The fame area held the Web server, close to health where I located a file cabinet holding the warranty forms and service contracts. The database servers went to the knowledge corner, and the wide area network router rack was mounted on the family wall.

All network monitoring tools were placed in the marriage corner first, but later moved to the children area. Turns out servers don't react with one another as two entities growing together as in marriage. Each system acts like a sibling, fighting the others until a parent intervenes.

In summary, balance computer placement properly to infuse the artificial world with natural harmony. My motto: being in a good place is a good thing.